Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful
Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful
Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful
Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful
Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful
Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful
Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful
Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful
Thanksgiving Football shopping pumpkin pie fall leaves turkey dinner Family pilgrims blessings cornucopia peace love thankful

One empowered woman's struggle against the world
Tuesday August 14th 2018

Moving in a new partner: Do or Don’t

So you have a new beau that you want to live to with.  What do you do?  When is the right time?  What effects could it have?  Those are all things you are probably wondering.  It is easy in the throws of new love to want to live together.  You have to decide if its right for you.  There is no one right answer as every relationship is different.

I recently was faced with this decision.  I finally met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  He is wonderful and is great with the kids and the kids actually like him as well; for now.  Some of the things I encountered will hopefully help you.

First the Decision Needs to be Made

First off how do you decide this is the right time?  You know you love this person and want them there but there are certainly other things you must consider.  A relationship without children takes work so when you throw kids into the mix…well things can get messy.  Ask yourself honestly and answer honestly a few things.  How does this person and your children get along?  Will this person be a good parental figure for your children?  Is this person capable of taking care of your children?  Will you be ok with this person having authority with your children?

You know you want them to move in or you wouldn’t be here.  You have to consider how your kids feel.  If they haven’t really had time to get to know this person it can lead to a lot of grief.  Just imagine how you would feel is someone moved in someone you didn’t know and that person had a say in what you could and couldn’t do.  Talk to your kids alone.  Let them know what you are considering.  Let them be part of the decision.  Communication is very important.

No matter what your kids want the final decision is yours and yours alone.  If your kids think there is room to argue then being kids they will use it against you maybe not right then but later on down the road.

You Have Made the Decision – Now What?

You made the decision, you talked to the kids and it’s a done deal.  Now you need to make sure the move goes as smoothly as possible.  First off set some boundaries for both the children and the new partner.

Make house rules clear to everyone.  Be consistent.  Your kids need to know what authority the new partner has and it helps for the new partner to know the rules as well.  Rules and consequences should be known in advance.  You want to minimize debates with your children.  The children need to understand and respect that this is an adult who is now a part of their lives and they have authority to expect the rules to be followed and the authority to enforce them.

Don’t try to do everything on the first day just to prove your partner has authority.  Ease into it.  Give the children and your partner time to adjust before you leave them alone together.  Just because they got along great when you were dating doesn’t mean it will lead to instant success when they move in.

An important thing to remember.  Your partner does not replace the other parent.  I am not keen on the step-parent title at all even if you do eventually get married.  I haven’t ever really heard a title that works for me but when I do I will update this article.  The point here is that your children have two parents already.  It never hurts to have more strong parental role models but unless they are going to adopt them – they are not the child’s parent.

Communicate the new relationship with the children’s school.  If your new partner is going to be attending school events, school meetings, or just picking the kids up from school….letting the school know will avoid mishaps later on down the road.

What to Do About the Ex?

This is where things can get sticky.  You agree the kids agree and the beau agrees moving in is great.  Your Ex may not agree.  You don’t need their permission.  You don’t owe them any explanation or reasoning either.  It wouldn’t hurt to allow your Ex and the new partner to meet and get to know each other.  I am not saying your Ex will ever see your new partner as the great guy/girl you do but opening up communication is important.  Remember your children have probably already discussed this person with your Ex.

Your Ex has a legitimate right to be concerned at times – he/she is the children’s parent as well.  When they raise a concern really listen to what they are saying.  Sometimes just listening can avoid a day in court.  If your Ex gets unreasonable or intrusive then you have to set up boundaries and stick to them.  Your Ex is not entitled to know every detail of your life just because you share children.  If it is about the children then respond appropriately.  If it is about your personal life then politely but firmly let them know it is not up for discussion.

Pulling it all together

This is easier said than done.  I have found that making the decision and the initial move has been the easy part.  We have had some stumbling blocks that we have overcome but ones I didn’t foresee.  I am making a list and the next article will be how to address those unforeseeable moments.   If you are just at the decision stage don’t worry yet about the stumbling blocks to come as we are all happy and ok and have managed to get past every single one without too much trouble.  If I can do it then just about anyone can.

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