Mom vs. the World

There are many cases where even the best parenting agreement can’t work. If both parents aren’t committed then even the best plan fails. There are some things that you can do to help facilitate visits. Although you may welcome not having the other parent show up; your kids don’t. You should always strive to ensure your child gets time with both parents regardless of your relationship with your ex. Below are some practical solutions that might help.

My ex didn’t show up on a regular basis for some time. It took time and communication to change that. Now he shows up consistently and we have a much better relationship. First thing I learned was to stop preparing my son for a visit that might not happen. Second I had to learn to stop making plans as if my ex would show up. If you don’t expect the other parent to show up then it lessens the disappointment when they don’t show for you and your child.

In my parenting agreement there is a clause that says if you are 45 mins late the visit is canceled. I added this clause after making plans and then being late myself as I was waiting for my ex to show up. I never had to actually cancel a visit but if I had to have I could have fallen back on the agreement to prevent any arguments. This is important as you may have an engagement that you must attend. If you need to send your child to a sitter or daycare or grandparents you shouldn’t be penalized or get grief over it. You are entitled to a life outside of your children.

Now I would call once it reached the appointed time and my ex wasn’t there. Sometimes he was just running late. Other times he just wasn’t coming and didn’t remember to call. A simple phone call can avoid a lot of anger and frustration so pick up the phone and call before you assume what is going on.

I have another clause in my parenting agreement that states after 3 missed visits a $45 payment has to be made to me to cover the cost. Child support is set up under the belief that both parents are actively participating in the child’s life. When one parent doesn’t show up it adds expense to the other parent. One of my ex’s consistently canceled visits but after that clause was added it got soooooo much better quickly. Keep in mind this wasn’t to punish my ex. This was done to make sure he came for his visits. Sometimes the parent doesn’t realize how often they cancel. When they have to start writing a check when they miss a visit it helps them remember.

Another great option is to reschedule. Remember that you should be flexible. It is annoying to always be the one to be flexible but you have children. In my case, I have my children for 26 days out of 30. That is the standard every other weekend visitation schedule. If the other parent can’t make it this weekend allow them to reschedule. It is your job to ensure your kids get the support they need from both parents. Doesn’t sound fair but in almost all cases the parent visiting gets way less time with the children.

They key to all of the above is communication. The parenting agreement has set out the expectations there is no need to argue over anything. When the expectations are not met ask why. No contention needed.

Now there are going to be the parents that just never show up. You can try talking to them to figure out why they don’t show up. I have heard some parents say they just don’t feel welcome any longer in their child’s life. This happens most often when the other parent has moved on and has started a new relationship. You need to ensure your kids come first. You might like your ex…you might loathe them….but your kids still love them.

Another reason some parents stop visiting is because they get grief every time they show up. Don’t discuss things when the parent shows up to pick up the kids. The visitation time is for the kids. This is not the time to complain about or to your ex. If you have something to discuss then find a separate time to do it. This is your kid’s time not yours.

The best advice I can give is to minimize the damage to your child. When visits aren’t consistent it can create self-doubt, low self-esteem and even a sense of not being loved by the other parent any longer. Definitely let the visits be a surprise. Don’t prepare your child for a visit that probably won’t happen. Talk to your child and explain that the other parent isn’t coming and make sure they know it has nothing to do with them. You don’t have to and shouldn’t, in fact, lie but do be careful with brutally honesty as well.

Don’t ever give up. My ex didn’t come on a regular basis for the first three years. He has since come just about every time and he and our son have a good relationship. No pressure, no nagging just patience and reminders that his son was still waiting for him.

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I understand how you feel completely. My ex-husband was doing the same thing while he wasn't visiting. He would tell his mother that I was refusing to turn our son over for visitation and the police wouldn't help him. She lived in Michigan at the time and we are in Florida so she couldn't see what was really going on.

You wrote you tried talking to his mom, I am wondering does she live close by or at least close enough to visit? If she does, you could offer her his visitation. If he is not going to use it there is no reason why you can't allow his mother to use it. Make the offer to her. My ex mother in law believed her son because she saw no different. However, every time she came to Florida I made sure she could come and get her grandson and spend time with him. It made it a little harder for her to believe my ex and she started questioning what was really going on.

Just because a parent is refusing to visit or not being consistent doesn't mean their entire family will feel the same way. The other parent's family are your kids family too so consider talking to them about using visitation the other parent is failing to use.

Getting visitation canceled or reduced is difficult at best. What you need to do is sit down and create a more specific visitation schedule. Include the specific days and times along with a "wait" time. The wait time is how long you have to wait for him to show up. In my agreement it is 45 minutes. If he doesn't show within 45 minutes of his pick up time then his visitation is canceled. Of course you should be flexible and if he has called to say he will be late then allow it but if you don't hear from him at all and he doesn't show in the allotted time frame then you have satisfied your obligation and can make other plans.

Something else you can do is ask the court to require him to give you either 48 hour or 72 hours notice if he is going to utilize his visitation. You need to document all the visits he misses so when you go to court you can explain that you are requesting this for the benefit of your children. You can show the pattern of missed visits and explain how the kids are being affected by this. Don't make it about you or why he is missing the visits because the judge isn't going to care about those things, he is going to care about the kids and what is best for them. It is hard on kids not knowing if mom/dad will show up for visitation and they shouldn't have to turn down other social activities because he might show up. Make the request and stress you only want the requirement in place until dad can show up on a consistent basis.

I have said this numerous times to parents, judges don't like having to make decisions about your kids. They want you and your ex to work together and make these decisions. When you have no choice but to have the judge decide, providing the judge with a well thought out solution that is in the best interest of the kids and encourages visitation and contact with the other parent is the best way to go in my opinion.

I am not a lawyer, just a parent who has been in front of five different judges over custody and visitation issues. Sit down with a lawyer and discuss your options just remember you do have options.

You would be surprised at the number of mothers who don't pay child support or don't visit their kids after they lose custody or give it up voluntarily. We seem to only hear about the so called deadbeat dads but there plenty of deadbeat moms out there as well.

That is wonderful for you and your children and I hope it helps….please keep us updated.

TxMom, Texas law is different from Florida. I am not a lawyer so take this as an explanation of what is written in the law book not legal advice. I have looked it up and there is an allowance for a judge to go outside of the guideline amount that doesn't mean a judge has to do it, but the ability is there. Definitely go see a lawyer about this if it is something you want to pursue. In the case of LynnM, here in Florida a judge can increase or decrease the child support by 5% outside of the guidelines anything over 5% takes written justification. It is considered child support because the money is to cover the expenses of caring for the child outside of the time the parent would normally have them. It is in no way a penalty or a punishment even though most parents who are required to pay it may see it that way.

Most child support guidelines have a built in presumption that the minimum visitation is going to be used by the non-custodial parent. So in effect, when a non-custodial parent doesn't use their visitation the custodial parent is left with the burden of covering that entire cost. It is one of those things that is open to interpretation by the judge.

You probably haven't heard of it because most people don't even know it can be done or don't think to ask for it. There is a great deal of gray area when it comes to Family Law. Ultimately the laws are intended to do what is in the best interest of the child and the laws give judges a good deal of discretion to make sure the spirit of the law is met.