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5:56 pm
October 6, 2010
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coolNYmom
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I am with the don't spank him group. JackTrek brought up a good point about abuse. Could he have been abused when he was little? Daycare or preschool even? There was a study done about dropouts and prior abuse rates. If I can find it I will post it.
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8:34 pm
October 6, 2010
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mom
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Sorry I have been busy dealing with this issue for most of the day. His dad and I had a meeting at 9am to discuss the 6 referrals our son has already accumulated (this was about punishment only not "the plan" we need). Referrals are not necessairly bad it just means he was referred to the dean for his actions to be reviewed and then a determination made as to punishment or not. Ex. he got a referral for jumping out of his seat and saying he had a spider on him and trying to get it off him…huh??? seriously that was one of the referrals. (spoke to that teacher who did acknowledge the referral was may not the best idea)
The meeting was supposed to just be about the punishment that was going to be imposed for the 6 referrals but it turned into a discussion about his grades and no punishment was imposed for any of the referrals.
Here is the most confusing part…we listened to the dean describe as our son as being a big problem in all classes and not doing any of his work in any of the classes. He brought in a teacher, who wrote the majority of the referrals, to confirm. While we were in the meeting another teacher heard we were there and wanted to see us as well (I'm so popular at that school…unfortunately not in a good way  ). The second teacher however explained she wanted to see us to let us know our son was a model student in her class and did his work like he was suppose to do it. We also learned he is doing well in other classes too which is contrary to what I have been told up to now.
The meeting ended with no punishment and a plan to have me talk to my son and figure out what his issue is and why he won't do the work and is disrupting the classes. Yes that sounds stupid because it is stupid. I have been talking to him and not getting any answers. He sees the psychologist again tomorrow so maybe he can get some answers.
The second teacher did say that she would be willing to work with our son to make up the work he hasn't done since he seems to do well with her. It would require him staying after school for an hour once a week. First though the dean wants to know what to do about his behavior issue then he will sit down and work out a plan to get him some help.
Still trying to figure out a plan…will talk with the doctor after the appt. then talk to my son again. I have asked why he misbehaves and he says he can't help it. Tonight in fact we had a short one on one conversation and he said too many thoughts are going through his head and he gets fidgety and doesn't even realize he is making noises or disrupting the class until he gets in trouble for it.
Thanks for all the comments so far, even the ones saying he just needs a good spanking….trust me if I thought it would work I would but his father has already went down that road and it led to nowhere.
Oh and he has never been abused. It was a consideration early on back in the 1st grade but all 4 of the doctors he has seen feel that no abuse has occurred and my son says nothing has ever happened. We explored everything we could think of no matter how far fetched it may have seemed.
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8:37 pm
October 6, 2010
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mom
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I have no idea why the comments are being separated out. If you want a more accurate view of the conversation thread…head over the forum it will make more sense.
Sorry :(
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8:43 pm
October 6, 2010
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mom
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Post edited 8:47 pm – October 6, 2010 by mom
I didn't mean to come across so harsh to south-afrikaan-sam. This poor guy was just making a very valid point. Consistency is extremely important.
The man in my life who pointed out my being inconsistent and not following thru where discipline was concerned was extremely vocal about it. You know when someone points out your flaws over and over again. He meant well and only wanted the best but as you may have noticed I get a little defensive when anyone mentions it. No one likes being told they are doing a less than stellar job at being a parent, even if the person is telling you out of love.
I am way more consistent now and it has made a world of difference!
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9:20 pm
October 6, 2010
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Shawn Moss
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Abuse…wtf??? Why are some people so intent on believing that every kid who has a problem has been molested? Did you read the whole post or just see the boogie man lurking in the shadows as you scanned for confirmation? A kid not liking school is normal. A teenager giving a mom trouble over school is normal.
My two cents to the mom – stick to the rules you have set, be consistent, be fair and keep talking to him. He gets up and goes to school which is more than most kids trying to get out of going to school to do. Just keep making him go. If he fails those are the consequences for not doing the work. Let him learn by failing sometimes it is the only way.
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10:48 pm
October 6, 2010
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crystalbell
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Beatings…really? Abuse…seriously?? I think Melodie has hit on something with the shyness causing anxiety. I would start looking into that a little more.
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10:56 pm
October 6, 2010
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Carol
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Not to be a smartypants here but what you are talking about is not shyness it is SAD (social anxiety disorder). Here is good article about the difference from WebMD http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-p…..y-disorder. It is possible that this could be a cause of his behavior but he has been seen a psychologist and I think they would have already looked into it. Never hurts to get a second opinion though.
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11:18 pm
October 6, 2010
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christianmommy
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I'm not sure what your religious views are but have you tried prayer. I pray for and with my kids all the time and it has a very positive impact on their life. You can accomplish so much through prayer and accepting Jesus into your heart. Kids are very susceptible to the evils of this world, once they take hold it is hard to shake them loose. I will pray for you and your son.
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7:46 am
October 7, 2010
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mom
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Yeah I am not sure prayer is the answer here. Thank you though.
As for it being some form of anxiety disorder, his dad and I were discussing that yesterday, but he has been tested for just about everything. I don't want him to be diagnosed with something just for the sake of having any answer. I really don't want him set up for a life long pill addiction either. All these anxiety disorders come with a script for anti-anxiety meds.
Don't get me wrong if he legitimately has some disorder then I will use the meds if needed but he was already misdiagnosed with ADHD so I don't want another false diagnosis just for the sake of having one.
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8:57 am
October 7, 2010
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Bev Leymeister
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Hi, My son had a lot of trouble in middle school, didn't do work, failed classes. We also went through a phase of anger, frustration, berating and stress.
Then we read ''Bright Minds, Poor Grades'' and it helped us a great deal. It is a no-stress approach that puts the responsibility on the kid. It wasn't easy took a lot of work but it works. Two years later my son is in highschool doing his work and making A's and B's.
It is worth the read and good luck 
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9:20 am
October 7, 2010
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Cynthia Shepperdson
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Your son sounds a lot like mine and I can say for starters that rewards and punishments don't work because these kids don't make the connection between cause and effect. My son's doctor said punishing him won't make him mature faster. Our son is very bright, doesn't need to study often (leading to a sense that he NEVER needs to), is delightful with friends and strangers after the initial shyness wears off, charming to other kids' parents and good at home (except for the normal teenage antics).
Don't know about yours but my son is addicted to video games but aren't most kids these days
Unfortunately motivation comes with maturation. Having a good doctor, family support and school support helps the most. It just takes time.
My son is 16 1/2 now — I'm just a small stretch up the road from where you are now. Honestly, it doesn't get easier for awhile. You sound very level headed and realistic. I'm sending you cyber support! a mom on the same road
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6:50 am
October 8, 2010
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mom
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Update:
My son went to the psychologist yesterday. The doc has prescribed Strattera because he sees it as a focusing problem and not a behavior problem. Child can't focus so child gets bored then child causes problems. I don't know much about Strattera other than it is a non stimulant. Doc says it is like the equivalent of giving a kid a cup of coffee….why not just give him coffee then  . Not that I would normally give kids coffee but I am not big on meds so…well ya know…if coffee will do the same thing. Apparently it is the same but not the same.
I started a new topic http://www.momversus.com/forum…..strattera/ if anyone has any information on the use of Strattera with 13 year olds.
Getting tired of misinformation from the school though – First they call almost daily telling his dad and I he is just a menance all day everyday and never does any work. In meetings they have said the same thing up until the most recent meeting when his 1st period teacher made a point of joining the meeting to tell us he was only having issues in specific classes. That is a lot different from all day everyday and not doing any work at all.
The doctors say he has ADHD then he doesn't have ADHD but now are prescribing him an ADHD medication…ugh.
They wonder why parents are confused, feel helpless and are at a loss with their own child
The school still wants a set plan with goals and objectives and consequences so I am still working on that. That kind of sounds like an IAP plan but the school has said he doesn't qualify for that and won't create one, but now I have too?!?! An IAP plan they would have to follow but a parent created plan they can ignore…stupid stupid stupid.
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7:49 am
October 8, 2010
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DawnP
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I had the same kind of problems with my son's school. They complained about his behavior, grades and attendance all the time. They threatened to expel him two different times! I asked for him to be evaluated and was told no. I had to get legal aid to force them to test him and then they said he didn't qualify for any help at the same time they were telling me he should be in a special school for kids with behavior disorders. Don't be afraid of straterra it has been a lifesaver for my son and me.
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4:23 pm
October 8, 2010
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mikeyseesall
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This could be a long shot, but your son's difficulties may be related to vision issues, around focusing. Focusing (''convergence'') issues do not get picked up in a normal eye exam, and are easily overlooked as a cause, as bright kids often are able to compensate for years. And they aren't aware of having a vision problem, as they may have otherwise good vision. We didn't learn about this until our daughter experienced very similar difficulties in 8th grade. If your son also has headaches, or reads slowly, or seems to spend too much time on homework, you might investigate this. Treatment involves specialized eye exercises, at home and with a therapist. Tedious, but it works. Kids may still need to relearn some of their own work habits…but writing out every step of a problem is easier when it is less tiring to have to look at them all, though. Good luck. This is frustrating for kids (and parents). Been there
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5:45 am
October 9, 2010
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lacyannick
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I’ve been a teacher for 13 years. I see this all the time. I love parent-teacher conferences with kids like these. This is what I always say to the parents:
Kids need boundaries and limits, not all sorts of encouragement, tutors, constant reminders, begging and pleading. They thrive on consistent structure, and will learn quite easily with clear, natural consequences.
Remember, you only have the legal responsibility to basically clothe (thrift store?), basically feed (soup kitchen?), and basically shelter (mattress and roof?) your child. Anything else is a “privilege.”
I mean it, go Amish on his ass. Anything that runs on electricity – gone. Fancy shoes – gone. Hanging out with buddies – gone. Replaced with studies and chores. Anything else is a privilege to be earned — when he has done his work, and is pleasant to be around.
Better to get strict on his ass, and let him discover the joys of television, video games, fun snacks, and new clothes…. all the great things that come to boys who are pleasant to be around and got their work done.
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9:13 am
October 9, 2010
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ClubNerd
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I love the “Go Amish on his ass” quote.
I was just like this kid one year in school. I didn't study, do homework or classwork. My mom took everything from me but my mattress, shoes and school clothes. She ranted and raved every time I brought home bad grades and constantly was on me to do the work and bring up my grades. Made no difference to me at all.
What shook me out of it was when she stopped caring (she didn't really but she sure made it seem that way). I failed 7th grade and when I told her she just said, "way to go genius now you will be in a school a year longer than all your friends." That was it. She gave me back all the things she had taken away and told me she was done. I was pissed that she didn't care more and I blamed her for letting me fail.
She explained that her job was to raise me to know right from wrong and she had done her job so she was no longer going to keep stressing herself out because I wanted to be an idiot. I was shocked. But I had to admit she was right. I did know right from wrong and I was the one making the wrong decisions not her.
I signed up for summer school, made up the two classes I had failed and started the 8th grade on time.
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10:49 pm
October 9, 2010
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PassionsFan
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mikeyseesall said:
This could be a long shot, but your son's difficulties may be related to vision issues, around focusing. Focusing (''convergence'') issues do not get picked up in a normal eye exam, and are easily overlooked as a cause, as bright kids often are able to compensate for years. And they aren't aware of having a vision problem, as they may have otherwise good vision. We didn't learn about this until our daughter experienced very similar difficulties in 8th grade. If your son also has headaches, or reads slowly, or seems to spend too much time on homework, you might investigate this. Treatment involves specialized eye exercises, at home and with a therapist. Tedious, but it works. Kids may still need to relearn some of their own work habits…but writing out every step of a problem is easier when it is less tiring to have to look at them all, though. Good luck. This is frustrating for kids (and parents). Been there
This is very true. My daughter had the same problem. Definitely something to look into.
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3:13 pm
November 26, 2010
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Archaeology cat
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mikeyseesall said:
This could be a long shot, but your son's difficulties may be related to vision issues, around focusing. Focusing (''convergence'') issues do not get picked up in a normal eye exam, and are easily overlooked as a cause, as bright kids often are able to compensate for years. And they aren't aware of having a vision problem, as they may have otherwise good vision. We didn't learn about this until our daughter experienced very similar difficulties in 8th grade. If your son also has headaches, or reads slowly, or seems to spend too much time on homework, you might investigate this. Treatment involves specialized eye exercises, at home and with a therapist. Tedious, but it works. Kids may still need to relearn some of their own work habits…but writing out every step of a problem is easier when it is less tiring to have to look at them all, though. Good luck. This is frustrating for kids (and parents). Been there
My foster brother had a similar problem, if I remember correctly.
When I taught (wasn't for long), I had a student who was very bright, but acted up in class a lot simply because he was bored. If I figured out ways to challenge him, he did much better. I was just reminded of that with you saying your son is very bright. I pray a solution will present itself.
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7:05 pm
December 7, 2011
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CornerStone
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My child doesn't want to go to school because he is often being teased about. He was diagnosed with mild-ADHD when he was 3 and now he is 14 and is very much struggling with school and friends. A few friends suggested to pull him out from school and transfer him to a day school because they have different programs that would help students who has adhd. Im considering it. :D
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