Mom vs. the World

I am usually the one who is giving the advice or making the suggestions but right now I am at a loss and need help.  My 13 year old son has absolutely no desire to be in school.  His father and I have been dealing with this since he entered kindergarten.  We had a brief reprieve in the fourth and fifth grade but then he went right back to hating school and still does.

Background

In kindergarten thru third grade, our son made a point of getting thrown out of class or sent home every chance he could.  He learned quickly with each new teacher what buttons to push that would get him sent home.  At one point, he was sent to a special school for kids who didn't know how to behave for 90 days.

His dad and I figured out he was not a bad kid early on but it took the school much longer to see it.  Once we realized and convinced the school that he was only acting out to get sent home and not because he couldn't control his behavior the school made exceptions to keep him in school.  In no time at all, my son figured out the things that would force the school to send him home no matter what.

Our son's test scores are amazing.  He was tested for the genius program and missed it by 2 points.  He is a very smart kid.  He is extremely logical about things and I think that is part of the problem sometimes.  Every year the FCAT (Florida standardize test) results come out and he is well above his peers.  So the problem is not learning that he can do and has no issue with.

When our son wants to learn he will do it.  When he enetered fourth grade he had a teacher who somehow got him to work.  Our son went to class everyday, only got suspended 1 time (down from the 7 times the year prior) and seemed to have taken a shine to school.  We thought maybe he had just matured and realized that he was going to have to go school.  Fifth grade went just as well with a different teacher.

Last year the same behavior started again right at the end of the year.  It was like he was done.  He complained of being bored, complained about not liking the other kids, complained about not liking the teachers and just overall complained about school.  The principal put him in honor classes this year to try to deal with the boredom issue but it is not working.

What we have already tried

His dad and I tried pyschiatrists and pyschologist to figure out what was wrong with him or what could be causing his behavioral issues but neither of those worked.  He was tested for all kinds of things and at one point he was deemed to have ADHD and put on Adderall.  All that did was make him sleep in class, which did keep in school but not in an educational manner.  We stopped the Adderall after another doctor said he didn't have ADHD or at least that wasn't the problem.  Adderall doesn't make kids with ADHD behave it makes them focus.  Our sons problem had nothing to do with focus at all and he could behave if he wanted to behave.

We have tried punishment and encouragement.  We have grounded him, taken away his toys, taken away his beloved video games and the internet.  His father is works in the Corrections (jail) field and even took him through the scared straight program.  He has been offered money for good grades hoping that would be incentive.  We went the reward him when he has a good day and doesn't get in trouble route to no avail.  We even changed custody and he went to live with his dad for awhile to see if that would make a difference.

Nothing has worked.  We have talked to him till we are blue in the face.  He just doesn't like school sorry he hates school.  He could care less about the punishments or the rewards.  Nothing bothers him at all.

Where we are right now

School started August 23rd and within the first week I got phone calls from the school.  My son wasn't doing his homework at all.  I fixed that as best I could and now he is doing his homework.  Since that first week I have gotten phone calls, so many that at times I don't even answer if it is the school's number on the caller ID, from teachers about his lack of classwork or participation or disturbing the class.  The dean of students has called and asked to meet more than once.  I haven't gone yet because I don't know what more I can do.  His father is at a loss as well.

His father and I have agreed to go meet with the dean of students to talk about our son.  She wants to form a plan that will get our son interested in school.  Right now our son is failing for lack of doing classwork and when the dean spoke to my son, he told her he was concerned about it.  He isn't concerned at all.  When I asked him why he told her that, he told me because if he told her how he really felt about school he would get in trouble.

So here I am going to go to a meeting where I really don't know what to say or do.  My son likes to learn new things and he is smart and he does well when tested but he hates school.  How do you get a child to like school?  How do you get a child to care about school?  Do I punish him for hating school?  How do I get him to do his classwork when punishment or reward don't work?  How do I make a logical argument for why he needs to be in school when he has an amazing grasp on logic and knows that "school" is not really needed but education is?

I am at a loss and need some help.  Has any other parent dealt with this successfully before?  Is there something I am missing?  Is there something else I could do?  Any comments, ideas, and/or suggestions are welcome.  I have to have this meeting in one week and right now I have nothing.

Join the forum discussion on this post or you can leave comments here (they are automatically entered into the forum).

Read original blog post

We have considered homeschooling but we are worried about 1) niether his father nor I feel we could provide the level of education that he would need and 2) his social skills are already limited (he is very shy) and would suffer further. 

We also have a secondary problem that being that his brothers would want to also be homeschooled.  My youngest son needs to be school in order to receive speech therapy so there is just no way he could be homeschooled.   

Wasn't expecting responses so quickly so let me catch up. 

@John – yes I realize that child services can get involved and the mess that would be.  I have gotten little help from the school system except to blame me.  We tried to get a 504 plan set up for him but we were told his behavior wasn't bad enough for him to qualify.  He was suspended repeatedly but they didn't see that as bad enough. 

@the ones of you who think I am being to soft or a good spanking will do the trick – not the case at all.  His dad is all for the spanking route and it hasn't worked either.  We have taken everything from him and that did no good either.  This isn't a case of weak or lazy parenting, we have tired everything.

As far as I know nothing has changed.  I have talked to him about it and he just says he doesn't like school.  Recently, he mentioned that he is always in trouble and that is a factor but there is little I can do to change the reputation that he created.  When incidents occur I do make sure the school checks out the incident fully and there have been some cases where my son has been just deemed the guilty party based on past actions not on any facts from the current incident.  When that happens I do my best to set things straight.  I did protect him in the beginning in kindergarten and 1st grade but I stopped after we figured out he was doing things intentionally just to get sent home. 

As for his mental state – he isn't depressed or if he is, he has everyone fooled.  At home his behavior is not the same as at school.  I was having problems with when he was being grounded to his room, he would throw fits and call out my mom mom mom over and over again.  Since he came back from living with his dad that has stopped.  He gets along with other kids that he plays with.  Shyness seems to be the only thing but like someone has already said you can't force a shy kid not to be shy. 

In Florida we have connections academy and Fl virtual school both of which I have looked into.  I am more concerned that he get an education over social skills but I still have the problem of his siblings.  The youngest has had a hard time in school because he has a speech impediment.  His first two years of school were extremely rough, so much that I had to go to school with him everyday for 6 months.  He has finally improved his speech, thru therapy, to the point where he is understood by the other kids.  He has just started to accept that he needs to be in school and is learning to deal with his frustrations when he isn't understood.  Pulling him out of school would be counter productive.  I know though if he sees his brother staying home he will want the same and a new battle will begin to keep him in school.

The thing that gets me the most is my son will get up, get ready and go to school with no problems at all.  It is once he is there that the problems start.  He got another referral today.  He claims he and another kid were just playing around throwing something at each other but the teacher saw it as something different.  I have to go in tomorrow to get all the details.