| User | Post |
|
7:52 am
November 17, 2011
|
Ash
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
I moved to another country. My son joined me with my second wife. My first wife has bi-polar and he always struggled. He did very well adjusting to school and everything was great here, till my wife left and my son and I were all alone. My Mom died at the same time. My wife in the new country threatened to have us deported. I fell into great depression and the result was taking my son back to his Mom. He said on the airplane it is all over Dad. I am now living in the new country and became a citizen because there was no work for me and no family to help me here or in my home country. I am ridden with guilt why I couldn't keep my job and raise my son. I am heartbroken that I did the wrong thing bringing him back to his Mom, but I was just lost, hurt, confused. I had no one to help with him here and I had to go to work and leave him at home at 10. He stopped going to school here and the authorities would take him, so I brought him back to his Mom because she doesn't work. He now lives at home with his Mom, no friends, home schooled and it just seems like a catastrophe. I just need a short break and now it is coming up on 2 years and he is all grown up. Just don't know how to feel about myself. I was the best parent, just was broken, tired and fell apart. Don't know why I couldn't have been a good single parent. Ridden with Guilt. Love my son more than anything in the world and can't do anything but send money.
|
|
|
5:31 pm
November 20, 2011
|
mausiimo32
| | |
| New Member | posts 1 | |
|
|
My husband of 15 years and I divorced 2 years ago. Since we have both re married. (He married the woman he had an affair with for 8 years) My son wants to live with his father now because he doesn't have rules at his house. At his fathers house he has the following: 42 inch flat screen tv in his room with cable, xbox in his room, rock band in this room and now his father just bought him a new apple computer and a Iphone. I can't compete with that. My son started to act out at my house to the point that I said he could live with his Dad to see if he got any better. He is now getting bad grades in school (He was once a gifted student). He doesn't want to be at my house because I don't have the things at my house that his Dad does. NOTE: My son isn 14 years old. Now my daughter is seeing everything my son is getting over there and wants to live there too. I just don't know what to do. It is holiday world there. Now my ex husband wants to take me to court for full custody. I would do anything for my children. I want to make sure they grow up proper. Please any advise is so welcome.
|
|
|
9:13 am
November 26, 2011
|
Mike
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
Trying to hold multiple messed up relationships together is infuriating. I'm struggling to figure this one out myself. I tire of loving a child that often does and says hurtful things. I want her to know I love her. I also want to be a good parent, meaning, teaching respect and accountability. How to do this… Especially when she is now old enough to say she doesn't want to come to my home. And she tends to follow a mother who shows no respect for me.
I make the rules for my own home. If she wants to stay here she will respect me. If not, I wish her well. The door is always open. I will let her know that I still love her and why. But, I will no longer accept mean or disrespectful behavior.
My daughters response is to not come to my home. It hurts, but what choices do I have, really? She is nice to me only when she wants something. It hurts being used and mistreated by your own children. These learned behaviors can be changed I suspect. But how to do it? How to love them with boundaries. What do the rules look like?
My plan is to show love and respect in my home and not tolerate verbal abuse from my daughter. Likewise, I will not let my 16 year old do as she pleases when she is in my home. She will have known rules with consequences. And I will do all I can to followthrough on the consequences as needed.
I just wish we could have a fun and loving relationship. Instead I get to fret over rules and upholding consequences. Parenting can be a pain in the but. I loved it when thy were young, kindhearted, behaved, and loved being with you. What great memories to cherish now that I have the opposite.
|
|
|
11:43 pm
December 24, 2011
|
Guest
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
I'm so glad I read these posts! I need HELP I have two boys 11 and 13 we have always been so close my 13 yr old wanted to live with his dad after alot of gut wrenching I decided to let him. His dad lives 4 hours away. My 11 yr old stayed with me my problem is this is temp and in 4 months I've seen my son twice. Stepmom always makes excuses of y I can't see him and if I question my son regarding where he wants to live his stepmom calls and tells me I can't question him she try's to make all the rules and I feel my rights of a mom are being taken away by her. My 11 yr old misses his brother but is happy w me. How do I take control back yet let him stay up there if he wants? And what about child support if my son decides to stay how will that work? I just want to be able to see and talk to my son without getting 3rd degree about everything I do but I don't want conflict either I'm just so tired of another woman trying to tell me how to raise my son.
|
|
|
3:29 pm
December 30, 2011
|
Kim
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
Mike,
My story is the same, only I am the mother. The only reason my 16-year-old wants to stay with her dad is because there are no rules, and I impose rules. This is killig me sice he lets her come and go as she chooses. I an going for sole custody next week and I don't care if she likes it or not, I wil regrest it knowing I didn't at least try.
Blessings
Kim
|
|
|
3:35 pm
December 30, 2011
|
KIm
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
Josem,
Don't do this just because you like or don't like a parent, do it because you know that a parent has your best interests in mind.
|
|
|
8:30 pm
December 30, 2011
|
Guest
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
I posted before about my son wanting to live w dad. I encourage a relationship w his dad however 3 prob he is 13 and will be separated from his 11 yr old brother, dad lives 4 hours away and third his new wife controls everything she reprimands me if I ask my son wrong question, if I take him to dr when I can talk to him she monitors everything, dad won't stand up but they fight all the time and have threatened divorce. My son loves where he is at but when he comes home he's so bitter and says life sucks, but tells me he's happy. I don't want him to resent me by making him come home but I wonder if the step mom is putting stuff into his head I don't want to accuse but I can't get a chance to talk to my son alone. Anybody help!!!! Do I bring him home and risk him hating me or do I leave him and hope it gets better.
|
|
|
8:50 pm
December 30, 2011
|
Guest
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
Any advice my ex husband is remarried my son is living with him on trial basis his wife is very controlling and I told my ex that we meaning him and I and boys need to sit down and talk to boys and discuss my one son moving. He insists his wife be part of conv I said no the boys need to be able to talk openly to their mom and dad and express any feelings they have. Am I wrong to not include her? He refuses to talk to me w out her and I told him if he can't talk w me mabey our son doesn't need to live there and he still insists she be there.
|
|
|
3:51 pm
January 5, 2012
|
KansasMom
| | Kansas | |
| New Member | posts 2 | |
|
|
mom said:
Hurt DAD said:
For a second there I thought I was writing a post. Same here. I raised my son fron 2 yrs. thru 16 yrs. and he decided to move with his mom. I am totally devastated and depressed as well and it has been 5 months. I still cannot get over it and do not understand. we had a very good relationship and we spent a lot of time together. I honestly have not figured out how to cope with it. I just try to keep in touch everyday and take advantage of the times he does visit.
Most parents take it personally when a child says they want to live with the other parent. It usually isn't personal at all. You have raised your son for many years and it sounds like you have a great relationship. Fact is your son felt secure enough to go and live with his mom for some time. That is a positive sign about your relationship with him, not one to be depressed over.
If your son felt compelled to stay with you or felt that if he made the move you would stop loving him then you should worry. It doesn't sound like the case here. Children need that security, that unconditional love that we have for them. Some children never feel that entirely from their parents so when one does …. embrace it and be happy about it.
He will always be your son no matter where he is living. Definitely keep in touch as often as possible and make every moment he is there with you count. You have to aside the personal feelings, embrace that you raised him well and appreciate that your son is taking advantage of the opportunity to form a better relationship with his mother as well.
|
|
|
4:00 pm
January 5, 2012
|
KansasMom
| | Kansas | |
| New Member | posts 2 | |
|
|
I am so glad I came across this site! Thanks "mom" for your wise, encouraging words. I'm a single mom of a 13 yo girl and an 8 yo boy. Their dad moved out of state a couple of years ago and only sees the kids at Christmas and in the summer. When I picked them up at the airport yesterday, my daughter again brought up moving in with her dad next school year. She mentioned this when she got back this summer, I told her I'd think about it, then she decided she didn't want to go. Now she seems more serious about it. My first gut reaction is NOOOOO…but I know I need to step back, get my emotions and my needs out of this, and think about what is best for her and her relationship with her dad. I've been seriously considering letting her go, but then I just get all upset and cry. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet, needed to get my thoughts and emotions straight first. The mommy in me screams NO – I'm so afraid of losing her, her not wanting to come back, me missing out on all the things that will be in her life, he's the one who moved away so why should I now lose her?, etc. I do realize, all of the arguments are about me =(
Reading your posts here made me recognize my considering letting her go is probably the right thing to do. Your words are very reassuring, affirming, and comforting. I AM taking it personally, and it's not about me. I want her to have a relationship with her dad. She will come back. She will always be my daughter. *sob* thanks mom <3
|
|
|
11:50 pm
January 14, 2012
|
Guest
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
Dear Kansas mom I am in the same boat every summer my boys go to dads and come back wanting to live w him I finally let my 13 yr old go with tremendous hesitation, I still don't know I was right but I'm learning I've got to play it day by day. I'm glad to know I'm not alone
|
|
|
5:19 am
March 13, 2012
|
Daisymom
| | Cape Town | |
| New Member | posts 1 | |
|
|
Hi All. This is my first visit to the site and my first post. I need some advice and hope that you guys can please help me.
Before my divorce we stayed in a small town here we moved to especially to give the kids a protected upbringing. Both my sister and brother also live there (and the children's cousins), as well as my parents (nearest town) and their other grandmother (nearest town). Our divorce was civil, and we still have a good relationship. The kids (son, 10 and daughter, 11) saw their dad every day, had a happy upbringing in a loving and nurtured environment. I had wonderful friends and a great support structure but I was alone (single) , and there was no opportunity for employment in our existing town. The town also became too small for me after our divorce (my ex-husband is now living with my ex-best friend). After our divorce my husband stayed on in our business, and I had to travel to the nearest give town every day for work (60 kms one way). I did this for two and a half years but took a lot of strain.
I met my current partner one and a half years ago and we got engaged at the end of last year. He lived four hours away in Cape Town. After much deliberation the kids and I moved to Cape Town in December (2011). I feel terribly guilty, and realise I cannot give them what they had before, but also know I couldn't stay there anymore. The kids see their dad every second weekend (we take turns travelling) and every holiday.
My partner and the kids get along ok, but it doesn't feel like a family yet, and I'm not sure it ever will. I started work and my partner and I have a good, solid, happy relationship. The kids have adjusted to school well, have started to make friends and do well in sport and culture, but they miss their previous life terribly, as well as their dad, family and friends. Last night my son said: I'm not sad anymore, but i'm not really happy here…"
They've been asking if they can move back to their dad. :( I realise their roots are there – the lifestyle, cousins, uncles and aunts, grandparents, friends, but I cannot imagine sending them back. I also realise I alone cannot give them the life in the city that they had there.
The questions that keep on popping up in my mind:
1. Was I selfish to move them away from this wonderful life for my own benefit (to be with my fiance)?
2. Am I selfish again by demanding that they stay here to keep them with me?
3. What type of mother let's go of her children?
4. Should I break up with my fiance and move back again myself? I cannot imagine life without him.
Please please help me make sense of this….
|
|
|
2:06 pm
March 18, 2012
|
Guest
| | |
| Guest
| | |
|
|
Dear daisy mom
NO NO AND NO. I had same story and my son wanted to go live w his dad but after 9 months he came home. U have an advantage because you and ur ex get along me and my ex don't. At 13 if ur son wants to live with his dad mabey let him go for the summer see how it goes, don't give up ur life though u have to be happy to and giving up ur happiness will only make u have regrets and ur kids will see ur unhappiness. I has same situation live 4 hours away, as long as dads willing to see his kids and u guys work Togethor it should work
|
|
|
6:10 pm
April 17, 2012
|
never give dad
| | |
| New Member | posts 1 | |
|
|
My ex wife left the family after an afair she had and the kids did not like it. She spent two years getting the courts too buy that I had made up the affair and brain washed a 23,18,13 year old kids against their mom too give her as she put all her rights and the kids had none. I had primary custody for a year and a half leading up too the divorce and then at final orders my 17 year old was forced too live with her mom untill she just a few months ago turned 18 and moved in with me. My 13 year old son has been given every other weekend with me but she decided too move out of state. She went too the courts several times during and after the divorce too get the judge too deny me any parenting time.She just won a relocation hearing too move him away from his two sisters and all his family including me and move to another state. My son is very saddened and she punishes him by taking all privliges away including talking too his sisters if he doesnt get over it and get inline. she told the court she was getting married but now is just living wih a very financially stable guy that is trying too buy my sons acceptance. she didnt marry because she gets a good alamony from me. My son misses his dad and sisters alot and we only get too see him half of the summer and half of christmas and a couple weekends during the year. He just wants a choice and him and his sisters talked to the judge but he said he didnt believe them. He feels hopeless and has talked to his sisters of running away. she has so much vengance for me that she will do what ever it takes too keep him from me. I need some advise too give him because he feels the courts wont listen too him and they didnt. he wants out but she wont let him…period and has started making alagations that the girls are brainwashing him on the phone so she can limit through the courts their conversations too….its created so much dislike for the mom by all the kids I wonder if it will ever heal? We are so sad that he is unhappy and that he wasnt given a choice and that she doesnt care how he feels..We are worried about how he deals with this long term and in what ways he vents..
|
|
|
11:05 am
May 3, 2012
|
Blazz
| | PA | |
| New Member | posts 1 | |
|
|
I hope it's ok for me to post here. I'm a dad with a 14 year old daughter. Last year, her mother moved about two hours away to live with her boyfriend, and she left my daughter with me. Per the agreement my ex and I have, my daughter was to spend three weekends per month with her mom, and most of this coming summer. My daughter rarely ever goes to her mom's for the weekend, and when she does, she always goes with friends from home. I work full time and also have a part time job, so my daughter stays with my parents a couple nights per week. I have to be to work too early to drop off my daughter at school in the mornings, so she either stays overnight with my parents, or I have to wake her up really early to take her to my parents' place to get ready for school. My parents live very close by, and my daughter is really comfortable there because they have a lot of animals (whereas, I only have one dog). My daughter's mom told me the other night that my daughter was asking about going to live with her. I truly do not feel that this is in her best interest. My daughter has a 1/2 brother from her mothers prior marriage. My ex wife actually got into a fist fight with him one time (he's 3 years my daughter's senior), and he now has absolutely nothing to do with his mom. He still communicates with me, my daughter and my parents, but not with his mother. I don't know if I should let on to my daughter that I know she was talking with my ex about moving. I want to do what is best for my little girl, and if it would be best to let her go, on a trial basis, then that's what I'll do. I had her in counseling right after her mom moved; she went for about 4 months, and the counselor said everything's fine, so she stopped going. My daughter's grades are great, she's involved in sports and has great friends, whose parents I know and get along with. I am thinking the best thing to do at this point would be to talk to my daughter and encourage her to go with her mom according to the custody arrangement, three weekends per month, to see if she likes spending time there. One time, she actually called me to come and get her, which I did (maybe I shouldn't have?), but it was right after her mom moved. Sorry for rambling; I never expected to have to deal with this, and it feels like a punch in the gut. Should I quit my other job and spend more time with my daughter? Should I try to get a different schedule at my full time job so that she can spend every night with me and I can drop her off in the morning? Any advice is appreciated.
|
|
Login 
Register 
Search 
Home
Read original blog post
Topic RSS 
