Mom vs. the World

My 9 year old son keeps threatening me that he is going to go live with his dad. He does this when he is not getting his way or whatever he wants. He has become so disrespectful and challenges every single thing I say.

His dad is the fun weekend dad. His dad doesn't have to deal with school, homework, chores, bed times or any kind of real discipline. His dad would do a good job so that is not an issue but I believe my son has a warped impression of how life will be at dad's house. His dad isn't going to put up with all the disrespect and constant challenges.

I feel guilty when I start to think maybe he should go live with his dad for a little while. I feel like I am giving up but on the other hand to have a day go by without an argument or debate over everything would be heaven.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

It would seem like you have a pretty typical teenager. I know you want him to be happy but I wonder if allowing him to choose to live with his dad under the circumstance was a good idea. Did you find out why he wanted to live with his dad? Does his dad let him do whatever he wants? Has his dad made the change from weekend dad to everyday dad?

It sounds like you and Dad have worked things out in a good way. Maybe it is just what he needs. Having a good relationship will make things easier.

I know you miss him and want him to move back but do you want him back for him or for you? If things are going well at dad's you should hang in there and see what happens. Don't beat yourself up, you did not fail your son or fail as a parent. You haven't lost your son either. Kids go through phases and teenagers especially are difficult creatures to understand sometimes.

I can relate in so many ways. My twelve year old is with his dad. He wanted to live with his dad but I fought it every step of the way. My other kids barely got my time or attention because I was constantly fighting with my son. A friend pointed out that I was letting my pride and fear get in the way. That is exactly what was going on. I was worried I would lose my son if I let him live with his dad. I was worried people would think I was a bad mom or did something wrong.

I am a good mom and I have a better relationship with my son now that he lives with his dad. We are in a temporary situation right now. Because my son had to change schools to live with his dad, the deal was he had to stay until school was over and then we would decided whether to make it permanent.

It's been good for all of us and I think in time you will find it is good for you too. Sounds like you have good relationship with his dad and that is best. Your son may be gone for now but you will always be his mom, you haven't lost him forever.

Okay I need advice. My oldest daughter wants to go live with her father. She has been asking for the past few years. I have questioned why she wants to go live with him but she is not answering. I am a pretty firm parent and she has chores, responsibilities and rules. Her father and stepmother aren't as firm and I am afraid she only wants to move because she thinks she won't have the same chores, responsibilities and rules at their house.

Her father has remarried and although I am sure he would welcome my daughter I am not sure about his wife would deal with having my daughter their full-time. He is a good father, loves our daughter and takes care of her when she visits.

All my daughter keeps saying is that she has lived with me long enough and now she wants to live with her dad. I just don't know how to take this or deal with this. I would love to hear from other moms or dads on how to deal with this. I found the advice in the article to be reasonable but my daughter won't give me a reason or even attempt to explain. This is a life altering decision and I don't know how to make it when I don't have all the facts.

I am one of those Dads that has children who wanted to live with me instead of their mom. I can understand your concerns. Your daughter is lucky to have parents who love her and can still work together.

There is this belief in society that if a mother doesn't have her kids then she must have done something wrong. If the kids want to live with the dad then it is some reflection on the mom. My two daughters wanted to live with me and I guarantee you it had nothing to do with their mom's parenting skills or the love they had for their mom. She may just want to move because she wants more time with her dad and for no other reason.

They moved in with me two years ago and they visit with their mom all the time. Their mom had some difficulties adjusting in the beginning but instead of sitting and waiting for the moment the girls visited she found other things to do with her time that she wasn't able to do having the girls full-time. Two years later, we are all better for the move. I am happy, the girls are happy and their mom is happy.

From a dad's perspective – I divorced and my ex-wife got custody of the kids by joint agreement. We have two sons and I wanted them to live with me but I felt since they were young they would be better off with their mom. I always hoped, when they got older, they would want to live with me and that day finally came last year. My ex doesn't want to let the boys live with me, no specific reason other than she doesn't want to let them go. They are 14 and 16.

What is happening now is the boys are beginning to resent her for not letting them live with me. The 14 year old is acting out and being destructive, something he never did before. Normally I wouldn't give into such behavior but it is obvious by refusing them the choice it is having an effect on the kids.

I know it is a difficult decision but take a good hard look at your daughter and what she needs. As long as her dad's home is safe and she will be taken care of there is no reason to deny her request. Letting go of our kids is hard but it is something we all will have to do eventually. I am trying to get my ex to see that and hopefully she will before she completely destroys the amazing relationship she has had with our boys.

I know it is hard to let your child move in with the other parent but here is a success story that might help for anyone. My daughter made the decision to go live with her dad and it turned out great. She was 13 at the time and very happy with me. When she said she wanted to live with her dad, I freaked out and felt very rejected. I thought I did something wrong or that she was unhappy. Neither were the case. She just wanted to live with her dad for awhile too.

She started high school and did wonderful. She came to visit with me all the time and over the holidays we had a great time together. I believe I have a better and closer relationship with her because of the move. She is now in her 2nd year of college away from both her dad and I but she still calls and comes home to visit us both.

As moms we are so protective of our children. We want to raise them and do what is best for them but once parents get divorced, we seem to forget they still have two parents. Our children don't belong to us exclusively and when they are young deciding where they live is our job. When they start growing up we need to remember that they belong to both mom and dad and want to be with both of us. Dad can provide the same healthy loving environment that mom can so when your child wants to make that move let them. Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't but they are still your child.

Sorry but I disagree with letting kids choose where they live. They can't not make this type of decision and shouldn't be allowed to. If a parent, mom or dad, is already providing a safe, healthy, nurturing home then there is no reason for that child to move. Increase visitation if they want more time with the other parent but letting them move is just lazy parenting. You are the parent not the child.