Mom vs. the World

rlogan said:

My 16 year old daughter recently moved back from her fathers. I have rules in my home that include chores. My parents live a mile away, and they have money enough to aford maids to clean. My daughter seea this and wants to move there so she wont have to do anything. What do i do about it? Send her back to her dads? My 13 year old already lives with my parents and because of my parents bad mouthing me, she rarley speaks to me. What can i do? My parents have been interfereing with me trying to raise my kids, and winning. Now my parents are trying to get visitation rights to my 9 year old, i have never denied them visitation, if fact they spend alot of time with my 9 year old. They dont want anything to do with me, and that is ok with me, but how Am i suppose to deal with all of this??

First let me say that family is important for all children.  Grandparents and other extended family can be invaluable to your child and to you.  However, when family begins to undermine the job that is your responsibility, you must address and correct the situation. 

Let me start with the visitation.  If you want to and have allowed visitation, then go to mediation with the grandparents and work out an agreed upon visitation schedule.  Keep in mind they are grandparents and in many places not entitled to any sort of visitation with your children.  By having a visitation agreement you put yourself in control of when, where, how often and how long the grandparents see your children.  You eliminate arguments and debates because it is all there in black and white.  You do not have to go to court for this; a signed written agreement is valid.  It is always best, if you have a court case already filed, to request the clerk of the court add the copy to your case file so it is on record with the court if anything goes wrong.   

As for them undermining and interfering with your job as your children's parent.  You need to put a stop to the interference.  Parents sometimes feel like they are obligated to allow grandparents and other family members see their children.  You are not obligated in any way, they are your children.  You as the parent have to decide what is best for your children and sometimes that includes limited or no contact with particular family members.  Just because they are family doesn't mean they are what is best for your children.

I don't know the situation but from what you have said the primary problem doesn't seem to be the relationship between your children and the grandparents but between you and the grandparents.  You don't have to like them, see them or even care about them but you have to be able to work with them for your children's sake.  You should try to strive for some middle ground where both sides can communicate their concerns and be able to address those concerns.  If you make the attempt to see their side and they make the same attempt to see your side, there is a middle ground that can usually be found.  Someone has to make the effort first though.  Like I said you don't have to like them or even care about them to have a good working relationship that is best for your children.

As for your daughter wanting to live with the grandparents to have the easy life, that is not a valid reason to move.  Chores do not harm children in any way and they teach responsibility.  Why would you send her back to her father's when she has a home with you?  Explain and stick to the rules in your home.  Explain to her in 2 years, when she is 18, she can live where ever she chooses but for now she is going to live with you and follow your rules.  

It is always easier to give advice from the outside looking in than to have to put that advice in practice but you need to start somewhere so consider the advice.  Once you have then tailor it to work the way you need and achieve the independence to raise your children the way you see fit and find a way to communicate to your parents that is what is going to happen and they need to get onboard with it.