Join the forum discussion on this postIt’s a shock to hear but as parents we have to cope when this occurs. It may never occur but the reality is, it does occur. It can be a very difficult thing to hear but how you respond is what really matters. The best advice I can offer comes from my own experience.
When my oldest son turned 12 he told me he wanted to go live with his dad. I was adamantly against this move. My first instinct was to say NO and end the discussion. Instead I told my son that I needed to know why he wanted to make this change. He hemmed and hawed and couldn’t really provide any reason other than because he said so.
So instead of saying NO outright I told him that he needed to have a viable reason to and when he could articulate something we would discuss it. Lucky for me he couldn’t come up with any good reason or reason at all other than I want to. I did later find out he was being promised “gifts” if he went to live with his dad.
The next year my son approached me again with the same request. This time he came armed with some very logical reasons as to why the move would be good. He also made it clear that he wanted to try it and wasn’t sure if it was what he wanted permanently. I let him go on a temporary basis for 1 year with two main rules:
- There would be no moving back until the year was complete
- He would come and visit every other weekend
In my case my son went for 1 year and then decided to move back and now is very happy in my home. This won’t happen for everyone.
As parents we have to recognize that our children will leave us. Not the easiest thing to accept but our job is to raise them well enough to leave us. If/when the times comes, you have to trust that you have done your job as a parent properly and let them go. Make sure they are making the move for the right reasons and if they are able to articulate those reasons then you have done your job.
It is important that you maintain contact with them. Just as you made sure they visited with the other parent you need to communicate clearly that now the other parent needs to help ensure you are visited regularly as well.
Just remember you will always be their parent. They may leave for now but as long as they know that they are loved and always have a home they will come back…just accept it may only be for a visit from now on.
Related posts:
- What To Do If the Other Parent Doesn’t Show
- What To Do With A Sick Child
- Child Support and Visitation
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AK-HI said:
A lot of parents are hurt when they hear their child wants to live with the other parent. We take it personally even though we shouldn't. Will it feel better later? It did for me when my kids went to live with their dad and it has for others but for some they never get over that initial hurt and it is miserable for them. I think a good deal of it is how you perceive it and how you react to the change. You are right, you will always be her mom but you can also still be her parent and parent her. For 8 years you have been the primary parent and he the visitation parent. It is two entirely different roles. Now you get to be the visitation parent and when you see your daughter get to have more fun and explore a different kind of relationship with her without the stress of day to day routine parenting.
Three months ago, my six year old son and I moved away from my ex (my son’s father). The ex was never involved in my son’s life – and yes, we lived in the same house, but I did everything and had to nearly force him to do anything with my son. My son is very well behaved and smart beyond his years. My ex and I have about a 70/30 split with access to our son, with me having the 70%. I can tell that the separation is impacting him. He is starting to act out some and be more demanding with “I want you to play with me” ALL THE TIME. I spend alot of time with him, but being a single mom, there are things that need to get done around the house or errands, etc. The other night my son was acting up and I gave him a stern, “if you continue” (with the behaviour) you will not be able to watch cartoons for one week. I left him to have a time out and when it was over he said “i want to go live with my dad.” Of course this broke my heart and I think I handled it okay, but would like to have some feedback on ways I can respond in instances like this, because I’m sure this isn’t going to be the last of comments like this. Any feedback is appreciated.
My son (whom I have been the custodial parent for since he was 2 years old)-aged 15 told me he wants to now live with his Mom. I am beyond heart-broken. I have raised him from an infant to a young man in high school, and he says he is not happy being with me. It seems like the majority of the experiences being shared are from Moms dealing with their kids wanting to be with their Dads. Would love to hear some helpful suggestions from Dads that are going through this. I am so depressed…he was/is my whole life. He is leaving tomorrow…and it’s killing me!
For a second there I thought I was writing a post. Same here. I raised my son fron 2 yrs. thru 16 yrs. and he decided to move with his mom. I am totally devastated and depressed as well and it has been 5 months. I still cannot get over it and do not understand. we had a very good relationship and we spent a lot of time together. I honestly have not figured out how to cope with it. I just try to keep in touch everyday and take advantage of the times he does visit.
Isn’t the dad a parent too? Why do you feel that you have more of a right to have your child live with you than their dad? Do you have no compassion for a father who wants to spend more time with their child but is being blocked by a overbearing mother?
I have read many many posts here and mostly see a son/daughter leaving their mother for the father and visa versa.
The situation that I am in is; I am the father who has had partial custody for nearly 10 years. My kids were 6 and 3 when my wife left me for another man. That alone was heart breaking enough, but for years I was being more heart broken because I was being left out of their everyday events. IE: Plays, sports and other accomplishments. Not because I didn’t try or because I didn’t want to. It was always because it was kept from me or I was lied to.
I have had my kids every other weekend for the past 10 years and every time they leave to go back to their mothers, it hurts. Not because they are in her care, but because I miss them and they are great kids.
Now, my son is 16 and he is not happy with his mother. He has been talking personally with my new wife of 3 years and they have a very good, open relationship. She gives him good advice and treats him fairly, like a young man should be treated. mostly she tells him that his mother loves him and he should talk to her about their falling out,etc. Well my ex-wife just can’t handle that, and I understand to a point, but rather than being upset/jealous of the situation, embrace it, understand it and try to alleviate the stress our child is going through.
Anyways, now my son is thinking about telling his mother that he wants to come live with me. While it over joys me, I know it will devastate her.
I’m not pleased by that thought in any way, but I can’t help but be happy thinking that my son finally wants to be with his dad.
On that note, knowing my ex-wife, she will do everything in her power to stop him from making this decision including lying to him about me or my wife…she is just despicable at times and ruthless for that matter.
I know what you’re thinking, we need to get along for the kids. Well that’s the whole thing about this story. I have been very good with this whole thing for 10 years and she has not. I have sat back and had great times with my kids when I have them and she has done everything in her power to ruin it. Hence “Left out Father”. She has even told me to my face that she can’t wait until I no longer have to be “dealt with.”
It’s sad, because I feel I am a good person and a good father.
I have told my son that the door is always open, he is always welcome. All I have asked in return is a good reason that he would want to live with me rather than is mother. Here it is:
1. Because my dad deserves everything that my mother had and more because he missed out on so much, and I missed out on so much with him.
I think that is a very good reason and it makes me smile ear to ear.
Why so much turmoil inside then????
Trying to hold multiple messed up relationships together is infuriating. I’m struggling to figure this one out myself. I tire of loving a child that often does and says hurtful things. I want her to know I love her. I also want to be a good parent, meaning, teaching respect and accountability. How to do this… Especially when she is now old enough to say she doesn’t want to come to my home. And she tends to follow a mother who shows no respect for me.
I make the rules for my own home. If she wants to stay here she will respect me. If not, I wish her well. The door is always open. I will let her know that I still love her and why. But, I will no longer accept mean or disrespectful behavior.
My daughters response is to not come to my home. It hurts, but what choices do I have, really? She is nice to me only when she wants something. It hurts being used and mistreated by your own children. These learned behaviors can be changed I suspect. But how to do it? How to love them with boundaries. What do the rules look like?
My plan is to show love and respect in my home and not tolerate verbal abuse from my daughter. Likewise, I will not let my 16 year old do as she pleases when she is in my home. She will have known rules with consequences. And I will do all I can to followthrough on the consequences as needed.
I just wish we could have a fun and loving relationship. Instead I get to fret over rules and upholding consequences. Parenting can be a pain in the but. I loved it when thy were young, kindhearted, behaved, and loved being with you. What great memories to cherish now that I have the opposite.
Mike,
My story is the same, only I am the mother. The only reason my 16-year-old wants to stay with her dad is because there are no rules, and I impose rules. This is killig me sice he lets her come and go as she chooses. I an going for sole custody next week and I don’t care if she likes it or not, I wil regrest it knowing I didn’t at least try.
Blessings
Kim
I live in Mexico and my son has to go to a private school, last year for economical reasons we had to send him up to Canada with his father to go to school up there, he never spend more than a summer in Canada but he always loved it and said he wanted to move in with his dad! This year the school in Mexico wants him to repeat second grade and I do not want that to happen so I decided to send him back to Canada with his father again although it breaks my heart and it makes me feel like the worst mom ever! I can’t overcome the feeling of not doing the right thing for my son. I also have another daughter from my recent boyfriend 5 year relationship. I want both of my kids to grow up togheter and learn everything they need to learn from each other, but my son says he rather live in Canada and I’m going crazy ‘cuz he also doesn’t like my partner any advice??
Can u help me because im a child that wants to live with his dad and I hate and sometimes like her. But I prefer my dad. Can I do anything about it?
Josem,
Don’t do this just because you like or don’t like a parent, do it because you know that a parent has your best interests in mind.
Josem, it depends entirely on how old you are and what state you are in. As a general rule of thumb, if you between 12 and 17 a court may listen to your preference but do not have to grant your request and will take the entire situation into consideration. Also, your father would likely have to initiate the court proceedings to change custody. Depending on the exact laws of your state and your age, you may be able to initiate the process of emancipation but typically that wouldn’t be granted unless you are already self-sufficient. But one thing that you might not have thought of or find hard to understand: living with your dad might not be all fun and games either, and you might wind up wishing you had stayed with your mom.
I too have raised both my kids. Their mother left when my son was 5 and my daughter was 2. I have been remarried now for 7 years. We have a nice good family enviroment. My ex-wife has been feeding it in my daughters head she can live where she wants when she turns 12 for a few years now. She has her mind made up this is what she wants to do. I asked her to give me good reason why she wants to, and what was so bad at our house. She could only come up with “Because I’ve lived with you my whole life, and I want to give Mom a chance”. This really is hard on me, and find my self depressed over the whole ordeal. I do believe she will find the the grass if definatly not greener on the other side. I am hoping after a year she will see what I am talking about.
Hurt DAD said:
Most parents take it personally when a child says they want to live with the other parent. It usually isn't personal at all. You have raised your son for many years and it sounds like you have a great relationship. Fact is your son felt secure enough to go and live with his mom for some time. That is a positive sign about your relationship with him, not one to be depressed over.
If your son felt compelled to stay with you or felt that if he made the move you would stop loving him then you should worry. It doesn't sound like the case here. Children need that security, that unconditional love that we have for them. Some children never feel that entirely from their parents so when one does …. embrace it and be happy about it.
He will always be your son no matter where he is living. Definitely keep in touch as often as possible and make every moment he is there with you count. You have to aside the personal feelings, embrace that you raised him well and appreciate that your son is taking advantage of the opportunity to form a better relationship with his mother as well.
Darrin said:
Although you may not like your daughter's answer it is a valid answer. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with your home or the parenting job you have done or the family environment for her to want to make this move. You may already know that the grass won't be greener and she may even be a little unhappy living with mom but you can't tell her that. She needs to find out for herself and explore her relationship with her mom on her own.
I always tell parents to try and not take it personally because it isn't usually personal at all. Your daughter has built a relationship with you and she didn't say things were bad so be happy about that. It isn't you or anything you have done. She just wants a chance to know her mom in a way she hasn't been able to until now.
Be there for her, support her the best you can, frequent and continuing contact and take great advantage of the time you will have with her. You will find that your relationship with her will change a bit as you move from being a full-time parent to being a visitation parent. Both types have their advantages and disadvantages and both types allow you to explore and embrace different aspects of your relationship with your daughter.
Josem said:
As the child, you need to discuss this with both your mom and dad. If you can talk to them together that is great but if you can't talk to them separately. Think about why you prefer to live with your dad and make some notes about it. Do the same for why you don't prefer to live with your mom. Once you have those written down then talk to them and explain it them in your own words.
Ask them for a trial period to try things out first before making a permanent move.
As far as the law goes, each state sets ages where a judge will consider what the child wants and where they want to live. It can range from 9-12 years old. Maturity and how you present yourself are also important factors for your parents and a judge.
No matter what the first step is to know why you want to move and then talk to your parents about it.
Im a 16 year old, i was good with my mother but recently we’ve drifted apart. And this last argument we had lead to one thing to another, she claims that im welcome back home, but how is it a home if the bonds between mother and daughter have been broken. Parents you need to mend the bonds between your kids. Because you don’t want that one day they walk out without looking back. But sometimes we kids need that same space to think. When i lived with my mother, my grade average was a 65. And its only been two months and my average has gone up to an 82. Mend your bonds between your kids, don’t loose them. But whatever they decide, dont leave them in the dark.
Hi there! My son & I have been on our own since he was 1years old. He’s now 13, has become unrulely and I’ve had to make several trips to the principal’s office in the last years. I’ve asked his dad (whom he visits every 2nd weekend) to step up & be more involved. After this weekend’s visit he comes back with the news: “My dad said I can come live with him. My brothr also wants me there & my stepmom is also excited to have me. I’m thinking about it.”….. My heart drops to my knees. I know (think) this might be what he needs. He starts high school next year and I want what’s best for him. This could be just the kind of change around he needs in his live right now. But my heart is breaking non the less. I feel selfish about thinking what others would think…. this bad mother letting her child go. I’m also affraid that this might not be the best choice. I just wnat him to be happy. My heart is breaking… I don’t know how to let him go. I’m all he’s ever had….. How do I do this?
Dear Lucia,
There are a hundred reasons why we become a single mother (I assumed you are). One of which is that the father of our children does not step up to the plate and it is a lot easier to just handle things on our own. What happened to you is what I experienced 2 years ago. I couldn’t handle my son’s behaviour any longer. I was getting sick and I was also facing another challenge at that time of being unemployed. I thought to myself, why should I sacrifice everything when there is a father who could have a taste of how it’s like to take care of a defiant child? Long story short, my son took that suggestion of mine for him to go live with his Dad. It was a big mistake. My son is now 14 and he is worse than before. His father is the same person that he was, and I made a big mistake of giving him the benefit of the doubt. He is still the same self-centered, manipulative person that he was and he even made my son into one. He enabled my son to do just whatever he wants and lives with no rules, structure and discipline in the house. End result, this behaviour is no longer contained in the house. It has come out already in the school community. He is causing disruption in the class by sleeping, broke some serious rules in the school, does not do homework and totally ruining his future for a better education. That was also my concern, I just want him to be happy. I felt he was so unhappy with me. My Pastor said in one of his preachings, happiness should not be our goal for our children. If you discipline them now, this shall prepare them for their happiness in their future. But we are only human. In the heat of our emotional struggles we make errors in our decisions. My son does not want to come back to me, because he can just do whatever he wants at his Dad’s place.
If your son’s Dad has not initiated to be more involved at this point, I am not so sure if he is going to change his behaviour even if your son will live with him.
My suggestion now is that, you have to make sure that your son’s father is going to perform his duty as a father. Our children especially our sons need their fathers but if these men who fathered a child are not responsible adult then I think our son/daughter are better off without fathers and same goes with mothers who are irresponsible. We don’t own our children. They are entrusted to us by God and we have obligations to bring them up as responsible adults. I suggest that you checkout the articles on http://www.empowering parents.com where you can get tips and suggestions on how to handle all sorts of behavioural challenges amongst adolescents and teenagers.
God Bless you and your son.M(Canada)
Left out Father,
Why the turmoil? Simply because you are a good parent. You appear to recognize the your son needs you and his mom, despite her actions towards you.
However, you need to reconcile that turmoil and let it go. Your son is 16 and sounds like he is aware of what your ex-wife has done throughout the years and how she has denied you the opportunity to be the father you want to be. He wants to have that father and he has every right to want to have that relationship with you.
I am a huge advocate for allowing children the opportunity to live with the other parent when they are mature enough to talk about why they want to make the move. Your son has expressed why he wants to live with you and has a very valid reason. How your ex-wife is going to feel about it, frankly, is her issue to deal with it. It is kind and considerate to take her feelings into account and if you can ease those feelings then great; however they should NOT be a barrier or a reason not to allow your son to come and live with you.
This is not an uncommon situation. Too many parents who have physical custody (both mothers and fathers) go out of their way to alienate the other parent because they don't want to deal with them. They don't do what is best for their child and put the child's interest first; they put their own interest first. That is not being a good parent, that is being a selfish parent. Fact is had your ex-wife allowed you to have a more involved relationship with your children then your son might not have ever wanted to come and live with you.
Let go of the turmoil and focus on what is best for your son. Your ex-wife is an adult and will have to deal with the situation. Keep in mind your son is 16 and already recognizes to an extent what your ex-wife has done throughout the years. On that note, if she chooses to lie or try to manipulate him into not moving you can help him see through the lies and such without being nasty or harsh about her.
Good luck and my two cents, help him come and live with you. Give him the relationship with you that he is seeking to have because he is entitled to have a relationship with both you and your ex-wife.
I moved to another country. My son joined me with my second wife. My first wife has bi-polar and he always struggled. He did very well adjusting to school and everything was great here, till my wife left and my son and I were all alone. My Mom died at the same time. My wife in the new country threatened to have us deported. I fell into great depression and the result was taking my son back to his Mom. He said on the airplane it is all over Dad. I am now living in the new country and became a citizen because there was no work for me and no family to help me here or in my home country. I am ridden with guilt why I couldn’t keep my job and raise my son. I am heartbroken that I did the wrong thing bringing him back to his Mom, but I was just lost, hurt, confused. I had no one to help with him here and I had to go to work and leave him at home at 10. He stopped going to school here and the authorities would take him, so I brought him back to his Mom because she doesn’t work. He now lives at home with his Mom, no friends, home schooled and it just seems like a catastrophe. I just need a short break and now it is coming up on 2 years and he is all grown up. Just don’t know how to feel about myself. I was the best parent, just was broken, tired and fell apart. Don’t know why I couldn’t have been a good single parent. Ridden with Guilt. Love my son more than anything in the world and can’t do anything but send money.
My husband of 15 years and I divorced 2 years ago. Since we have both re married. (He married the woman he had an affair with for 8 years) My son wants to live with his father now because he doesn't have rules at his house. At his fathers house he has the following: 42 inch flat screen tv in his room with cable, xbox in his room, rock band in this room and now his father just bought him a new apple computer and a Iphone. I can't compete with that. My son started to act out at my house to the point that I said he could live with his Dad to see if he got any better. He is now getting bad grades in school (He was once a gifted student). He doesn't want to be at my house because I don't have the things at my house that his Dad does. NOTE: My son isn 14 years old. Now my daughter is seeing everything my son is getting over there and wants to live there too. I just don't know what to do. It is holiday world there. Now my ex husband wants to take me to court for full custody. I would do anything for my children. I want to make sure they grow up proper. Please any advise is so welcome.
I’m so glad I read these posts! I need HELP I have two boys 11 and 13 we have always been so close my 13 yr old wanted to live with his dad after alot of gut wrenching I decided to let him. His dad lives 4 hours away. My 11 yr old stayed with me my problem is this is temp and in 4 months I’ve seen my son twice. Stepmom always makes excuses of y I can’t see him and if I question my son regarding where he wants to live his stepmom calls and tells me I can’t question him she try’s to make all the rules and I feel my rights of a mom are being taken away by her. My 11 yr old misses his brother but is happy w me. How do I take control back yet let him stay up there if he wants? And what about child support if my son decides to stay how will that work? I just want to be able to see and talk to my son without getting 3rd degree about everything I do but I don’t want conflict either I’m just so tired of another woman trying to tell me how to raise my son.
I posted before about my son wanting to live w dad. I encourage a relationship w his dad however 3 prob he is 13 and will be separated from his 11 yr old brother, dad lives 4 hours away and third his new wife controls everything she reprimands me if I ask my son wrong question, if I take him to dr when I can talk to him she monitors everything, dad won’t stand up but they fight all the time and have threatened divorce. My son loves where he is at but when he comes home he’s so bitter and says life sucks, but tells me he’s happy. I don’t want him to resent me by making him come home but I wonder if the step mom is putting stuff into his head I don’t want to accuse but I can’t get a chance to talk to my son alone. Anybody help!!!! Do I bring him home and risk him hating me or do I leave him and hope it gets better.
Any advice my ex husband is remarried my son is living with him on trial basis his wife is very controlling and I told my ex that we meaning him and I and boys need to sit down and talk to boys and discuss my one son moving. He insists his wife be part of conv I said no the boys need to be able to talk openly to their mom and dad and express any feelings they have. Am I wrong to not include her? He refuses to talk to me w out her and I told him if he can’t talk w me mabey our son doesn’t need to live there and he still insists she be there.
mom said:
I am so glad I came across this site! Thanks “mom” for your wise, encouraging words. I'm a single mom of a 13 yo girl and an 8 yo boy. Their dad moved out of state a couple of years ago and only sees the kids at Christmas and in the summer. When I picked them up at the airport yesterday, my daughter again brought up moving in with her dad next school year. She mentioned this when she got back this summer, I told her I'd think about it, then she decided she didn't want to go. Now she seems more serious about it. My first gut reaction is NOOOOO…but I know I need to step back, get my emotions and my needs out of this, and think about what is best for her and her relationship with her dad. I've been seriously considering letting her go, but then I just get all upset and cry. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet, needed to get my thoughts and emotions straight first. The mommy in me screams NO – I'm so afraid of losing her, her not wanting to come back, me missing out on all the things that will be in her life, he's the one who moved away so why should I now lose her?, etc. I do realize, all of the arguments are about me =(
Reading your posts here made me recognize my considering letting her go is probably the right thing to do. Your words are very reassuring, affirming, and comforting. I AM taking it personally, and it's not about me. I want her to have a relationship with her dad. She will come back. She will always be my daughter. *sob* thanks mom <3
Dear Kansas mom I am in the same boat every summer my boys go to dads and come back wanting to live w him I finally let my 13 yr old go with tremendous hesitation, I still don’t know I was right but I’m learning I’ve got to play it day by day. I’m glad to know I’m not alone
Hi All. This is my first visit to the site and my first post. I need some advice and hope that you guys can please help me.
Before my divorce we stayed in a small town here we moved to especially to give the kids a protected upbringing. Both my sister and brother also live there (and the children's cousins), as well as my parents (nearest town) and their other grandmother (nearest town). Our divorce was civil, and we still have a good relationship. The kids (son, 10 and daughter, 11) saw their dad every day, had a happy upbringing in a loving and nurtured environment. I had wonderful friends and a great support structure but I was alone (single) , and there was no opportunity for employment in our existing town. The town also became too small for me after our divorce (my ex-husband is now living with my ex-best friend). After our divorce my husband stayed on in our business, and I had to travel to the nearest give town every day for work (60 kms one way). I did this for two and a half years but took a lot of strain.
I met my current partner one and a half years ago and we got engaged at the end of last year. He lived four hours away in Cape Town. After much deliberation the kids and I moved to Cape Town in December (2011). I feel terribly guilty, and realise I cannot give them what they had before, but also know I couldn't stay there anymore. The kids see their dad every second weekend (we take turns travelling) and every holiday.
My partner and the kids get along ok, but it doesn't feel like a family yet, and I'm not sure it ever will. I started work and my partner and I have a good, solid, happy relationship. The kids have adjusted to school well, have started to make friends and do well in sport and culture, but they miss their previous life terribly, as well as their dad, family and friends. Last night my son said: I'm not sad anymore, but i'm not really happy here…”
They've been asking if they can move back to their dad.
I realise their roots are there – the lifestyle, cousins, uncles and aunts, grandparents, friends, but I cannot imagine sending them back. I also realise I alone cannot give them the life in the city that they had there.
The questions that keep on popping up in my mind:
1. Was I selfish to move them away from this wonderful life for my own benefit (to be with my fiance)?
2. Am I selfish again by demanding that they stay here to keep them with me?
3. What type of mother let's go of her children?
4. Should I break up with my fiance and move back again myself? I cannot imagine life without him.
Please please help me make sense of this….
Dear daisy mom
NO NO AND NO. I had same story and my son wanted to go live w his dad but after 9 months he came home. U have an advantage because you and ur ex get along me and my ex don’t. At 13 if ur son wants to live with his dad mabey let him go for the summer see how it goes, don’t give up ur life though u have to be happy to and giving up ur happiness will only make u have regrets and ur kids will see ur unhappiness. I has same situation live 4 hours away, as long as dads willing to see his kids and u guys work Togethor it should work